The Archive

I asked 150 Americans where a hot dog belongs on this graph March 16 A survey question before and after: what I changed and why March 11 They said social media is bad for society. I asked why they scrolled anyway March 3 What 82 Americans do on their phones while they poop Feb 19 You Got This Feb 11 Ugh vs. LFG: How Americans judged 21 (mostly) Super Bowl-inspired things Feb 4 How to present survey data: a guide for agency strategists Jan 30 My $538.17 typo Jan 20

What NYC voting rights and 5 trillion gallons of water have in common Jan 13 The six bullshit words that changed my career Jan 6 Your opinion is down the hall, first door on the right Dec 16 Baby-naming trick that solved a global branding problem Dec 9 Never buying lube and Band-Aids at the self checkout kiosk again Dec 2 Like using a butter knife to tighten a screw Nov 20 Friends don't let friends ask 38-word survey questions Apr 29 He was short and fat, like his penis Apr 22 Why you should ask "dirty" questions Apr 16 Write simply, survey better Apr 1 A survey is like a colonoscopy Mar 18 Wait, you *wouldn't* have sex with Isaac Newton? Mar 11 This 'self-reflection prompt' turns superficial survey responses into stories Mar 4 The dad rushed in to grab his kid, but it was too late… Feb 25 How you phrase a question doesn't matter. Here's what does. Feb 11 The Super Bowl does not come from tortillas Feb 4 Survey hack for better pitch insights Jan 29 Like being asked to high-five someone at a funeral Jan 21 Brah. This "setup line" lowkey turns respondents into little Buddhas Jan 14 Why I fantasize about my colleagues Jan 7

Steals. Splurges. Rip-offs. Bargains: A framework for measuring value. Dec 17 Proof that people prefer "Masturbating" over "Meetings that could have been an email." Dec 10 Visualizing one year of taking every survey I encountered Dec 3 Gym Selfies. Empty Ice Trays. Daylight Savings. The Dallas Cowboys. Nov 26 How to satisfy your in-laws with toilet paper Nov 19 Taking a survey is like driving in traffic—tolerable if it keeps moving Nov 12 How to ask shoppers why they choose one brand over another Nov 5 The one time it's morally acceptable to shove a fat guy Oct 29 Want to add some quant rigor to a qual-heavy segmentation? Oct 22 DAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Oct 15 Why you should cut "clarifying questions" in your surveys + three data goodies Oct 8 How I lost $1,660 in respondent fees by asking a "Dress Question." Oct 1 How to cut your survey in half without removing a question Sep 24 A good survey question is a flashlight, not a floodlight Sep 17 One of the worst survey question I've ever answered Sep 3 Why you should remove 'metadiscourse' from your survey Aug 27 How to tell a stranger they've got food in their teeth Aug 6 If the pilot is from Poland, I'm not getting on the plane Jul 15 The difference between Donald Trump and tap water Jul 9 The question that made Bill Belichick say "Can I be vulnerable for a second?" Jun 25 Babies and liquor go hand-in-hand Jun 18 How to make girls named "Courtney" sound legit interesting Jun 11 Never put baking powder in your carry-on Jun 4 Found more booger stains in my office bathroom May 28 Tiger Woods caught doom-scrolling May 21 Convert shoppers like a 16th Century Catholic May 14 How to crack open a shopper's skull without killing them May 7 This question turns people on Apr 30 Barbarians at the checkout counter Apr 23 Are babysitters colluding with Christians, Jews, and Muslims? Apr 16 Are you really any smarter than this Darwin award winner? Apr 9 My near-miss with sexual harassment at work Apr 2 Like chewing gum? You could go to jail Mar 26 Why you should talk about your sex life at work Mar 19 The nose picker in my office should just pick the booger Mar 12 My four-year-old son can time travel Mar 5 I'm done feeling around in the dark for the pacifier Feb 27 How to move an audience by standing still Feb 20 How to cook a cigarette Feb 13 The nearly imperceptible edit to this survey question deserves its own Michelin star Feb 6 "Brand loyalty is really just a polished turd version of 'consumer whore'" Jan 30 How to find "language-question fit" for your surveys Jan 23 The "Net Promotor Score" is truly stupid and I'll show you why Jan 16 Using social proof to ask questions that shoppers will answer Jan 9 Using "Yes/No" questions to filter out bullshit replies Jan 3

The "Wedding Officiant" guide to posing survey questions Dec 19 The labels JetBlue uses on this 0-10 scale put "Somewhat Helpful" to shame Dec 12 What a sex worker can teach you about asking vivid, revealing questions Dec 5 How Strunk & White's rule of specificity can transform your customer feedback Nov 28 To test a headline, turn it into a survey question and guess how many shoppers say "yes" Nov 21 "Don't bias the witness" is the Dwight Schrute of survey design that you should completely ignore Nov 14 Pithy survey rule for turning "vitamin" products into a painkiller Nov 7 If your survey question doesn't pass the "aphorism test," cut it Oct 31 The secret to unlocking growth could be in your customers' first names Oct 24 A survey is not a "list of questions." It's a lens for magnifying invisible worlds Oct 17 Operating with "Pre-Framingham Heart Study" knowledge? Then poll your market Oct 10 Calling BS on the message that "anyone can design a survey" Sep 26 The phrase "Somewhat satisfied" should be taken behind the shed and crushed Sep 20 Unless you're asking about something people care about, avoid "Agree or Disagree" questions Sep 12 How one brand used surveys and sales data to find high-value shoppers outside their core audience: a case study Sep 5 The best way to ask your customers about other brands they considered Aug 29 Using zip codes, polling, and the US Census to find untapped markets for ecommerce brands Aug 15 What my ill-advised COVID-19 question taught me about customer surveys Aug 7 The Evil Twin of "Leading the Witness" that plagues ecommerce post-purchase surveys Aug 1 How to find the average repeat purchase rate for your market Jun 27 Unlock insights from "subscribed-but-not-purchased" shoppers with these survey questions Jun 20 Try this question instead of the usual "likelihood to recommend" Jun 13 Why you should use the US Census to set your age and income brackets May 23 How to use zip codes to estimate your shoppers' household income May 16 How to weigh your customer survey data and avoid sampling bias May 9 From niche to mass market brand with one post purchase survey question: A data-driven guide. May 2 Discover authentic shopper preferences with the "If you had to buy" question Apr 25 Give shoppers in your survey a chance to say "Sounds nice. I don't care." Apr 18 Capture unspoken insights with the "Is there anything else?" question Apr 11 Don't ask shoppers how much they'd pay. Ask them what they've already bought. Apr 4 Get better feedback from your post-purchase surveys with these two questions Mar 28 Transform a lifeless survey template into a compelling brand asset that drives open & completion rates. Mar 21 Don't ask shoppers to "take a survey." Invite them to a "subscriber quiz." Mar 14 Conversion funnel survey for ecommerce brands Mar 7