He was short and fat, like his penis
“He was short and fat, like his penis, which was also both, but this story is not about his penis, but about him instead.”
This gem is an honorable mention from the 2023 edition of the Lyttle Lytton Contest - a competition celebrating terrible opening sentences for fictional novels.
It's intentionally absurd.
Yet there are survey questions that aren't much better.
Like this one, which I recently received from LinkedIn:
Q: If you could improve one thing about a LinkedIn tool or products, what change would you make? Please be sure to list the product along with your suggestion.
Please be as specific as possible. Do not provide any personal information.
___________________ .
Although this is not as obviously flawed as the “short and fat penis” line, it creates similar confusion by including:
Multiple instructions (improve one thing, list product and suggestion, be specific, avoid personal information).
Inconsistent phrasing ("could improve one thing" vs. "what change would you make").
An easy fix is to simplify and break the question into two parts:
First ask:
Q: Is there a specific improvement you would make to a LinkedIn product or tool?
• Yes
• No
Then take everyone who said “yes” and ask:
Q: What’s the improvement?
___________ .
Unlike that guy’s short and fat penis, your survey questions should be long where they need to be and trimmed where they don't—with no confusion about what you're really asking for.
Need help doing that?
Want to leave respondents happy and satisfied?
Consider booking a Roast.
Send me your survey draft, and for $145, I'll make a 15-minute Loom video with copy-and-paste edits and suggestions to improve your survey data quality.
Cheers,
Sam